September 3rd

This is a compare and contrast:

September 3rd 2008
was a sunny day in southern California. I was a newby to calvary chapel bible college and was deep into my IBS studies. September 3rd was the day my heart didn’t want to work anymore. I passed out on my top bunk and then went to the ER for my first time ever. They told me “You have heart problems.” The beginning of a very long process that would eventually end my stay at CCBC and bring me home.
September 3rd 2009
is the day I will be flying from Sacramento, CA to Venice, Italy. The day my dreams will be coming true. This day I will fly across the world to pursue my love for Christ in a different way than I have before. I will leave everything I know and go to a place where I am a stranger and through doing this, I will learn. I will learn what it is to be sent.
What a difference one year from the other. How could I imagine I would be here now when I look back a year. Yet again, His grace is sufficient, His love is everlasting and His plans are always better than I could think. And who would know that September 3rd would be any day of importance? I like how the Lord works. Now my prayer is to be used.
Romans 10:15

Che cosa Vuol fare domani?

What do you desire to do tomorrow?

Thursday I went to go see Dr. Park at UC Davis Medical Center in Pediatric Cardiology.
She didn't want to listen and I wanted her to understand.
Echocardiogram was done. EKG was done. And she said off to Italy I shall go.
What I wanted to hear was in my ear.
I kept from getting excited over these past few weeks and to tell you all the truth, I wanted to blog every day. My heart was screaming and I could never put it into words. What I felt was incompletness. Yeah, that's not a word. I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. I put away my Italian books and my learning CD-roms, I forgot there was ever a country called Italy and I forgot about all my plans and focused on the Lord's plans and wondered so desperately what they were.
I will never know- for right now I know He wants me in Italy. I know He would have closed the door otherwise and an easy way to close would be to say "open-heart surgery". Someday that will come, just not today.
Today I'm sitting wishing waiting and wondering.
I thought if heart surgery was the way this next semester was looking my theme verse would be Psalm 73:25..."my flesh and heart fail me, but you O God, are the strength of my heart and my portion forever".
Heart surgery is not happening this year, but I still find this as my anthem because my heart will always fail me and I see my flesh failing me every day,but He only He is the strength of my heart and He will be all I need forever as much as I doubt it.
He puts a smile on my face when I shouldn't deserve to smile.
He frees me when I deserve imprisonment from my sin.
He loves me when I deserve to be cast down and hated.
He's done it all so that I can live, to live for Him and for nothing else.

So, as a reminder to me and to you, I am not living for Italy, for a change of scenery, for wine tasting and speaking Italiano and finding my relatives, I am telling you all that I will not live for me, because I let myself down.
For Him I am alive. And I'll breathe for Him until He says stop.

To admitting that I am weak and worthless and to admitting that He is strong and worthy. ~The End.

ToFeelTheWindInMyFace.

Is a glorious feeling.
Laziness became a normal thing when all I learned to do was lay in my bed.
Yes, I slowly became a sloth.
Since I've been home I've walked every day.
I do pilates.
I've actually ran once or twice.
My babysitting job required me to chase a 1,4 and 7 year old. This time around I was able to do it.
Yesterday I played baseball for hours with some of my favorite kids.
I've never felt better in my life.
Thank You Lord, for healing my broken heart.
You know that verse where He says He will lift you up on wings like eagles, that we will run and not be weary and walk and not faint.
It's true. His promises are true.
Only He is good.

Just for kicks and giggles...

I went on a walk with a stethoscope held to my chest.
what the retard!
I couldn't hear anything obviously.
why do I have friends?????
You guys are amazing!
well, my next appointment is July 16th, I'll get to see my heart on a screen.
super excited.
Besides this exciting news...nothing.
The heart beats on.

.When "Why?" has been answered.

"Why?" has been my favorite phrase for the past 5 years no doubt.
I hate it now. i used to babysit this little girl who would ask "Why?" for absolutely everything. "we're gonna go to the park." "why?"..."Because the park is fun." "Why is it fun?".."Because most kids like parks. "Why do most kids like parks?" OMG ARE YOU NOT A KID! so, I'm guessing that was pretty annoying just for you to read. I've been asking Jesus that question for a long time.
No answers. He didn't want me to know.
He told me why 2 days ago.
Through a dream. Call me crazy, I call it amazing.
We all wonder what we will do when someday our Savior comes for us and we get to hear His marvelous voice and see His beautiful face and His hands which we've scarred. How will we react?
This is my reaction, this is how it all went down.
I feel asleep randomly(on my bed).
In this dream I was standing in a dark room. And I asked "Why?"...go figure.
Then this video of sorts starts playing. I see myself in a hospital room, everything is familiar. WOAH this is my real life! Pictures and scenes play on. Blood being drawn, spinal tap, doctor visits, traveling to University Medical centers to visit smart people and see what they think about my case. The video ends. I was crying and asked "Why, why did things have to be that way? Why couldn't I have been normal? Why did I have to suffer for 5 years?"
His voice says "Watch this and then you will understand."
In unbelief I watch this video of myself, perfectly legitimate, with all my friends from high school who I hung out with. Pictures and slides of me drinking, partying, smoking, cursing,sleeping with people promiscuously and being extremely hurt by throwing my life away.
The video ends. He says, "Jordyn, I was chastening you, because I know you more than you know yourself and if a hospital bed was what it took to make you mine then I'd do it and so I did."
With eyes full of tears I watch the video of my life over again,laying in my hospital bed, empty and without friends, back to the time when I was having seizures, being mocked by everyone around me, hearing the doctors telling me I was dying, going through anguished tests that ended in negative answers leaving me hopeless. And then I saw the reasons "Why?" right before my eyes.

" Jordyn, don't you see how I've kept you? I love you!"-He says.

I woke up crying. This experience was incredibly real and after asking for so long, getting an answer was intangible.
I had never thought of my life this way ever before.
People have told me my life isn't fair, and it wasn't.
Everyone around me got to live while I lie in a hospital bed being told I was dying.
Times of health came around for a season and there I would be back again, sick, and looking for an answer.
The Lord has kept me.
He knows me. He knows what I am capable of. He knew how lost I would be without Him.
And so He locked me into a life of difficulty?
No, He was chasing me, waiting for me to turn around; to say, "You've had my back this whole time. You've held me. You've completed me. You've healed me. You've loved me"
How many times do we run from Him? And when He has us where He wants us, we writhe out of His hands? I'm so done running.
Dueteronomy 8:2-3...

" And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

This was my wilderness. This was my forty years.And This is my story. He's humbled me by breaking me. He's tested me physically. And He knows the desires of my heart.
Don't make the mistakes I've made. Don't run. His timing is perfect and His love is everlasting.
So, for the trials, for the pain, the hurt, the depression, I thank you Lord! I praise You that You make things beautiful in Your time. Thank You for answering my questions. Forever my heart is Yours.

a LITTLE more than useless

as of today i am a ....bone marrow donor!
we had a blood drive at school, i'm not allowed to give blood because of the random assortment of diseases i have had in the past 5 years but i was able to join the marrow donor registry...and so I did!
so, if this life comes to not saving any people at all( if all else fails and I do not become a nurse) hopefully I can be the one to save someone's life through my marrow.
most people aren't so excited about something like this.
but the cotton swab thing I got to do to test my HLA(whatever that means) got me a little more excited.
so this body may be worthless and 30 years old(says the doctors-internally) but i still have valuable bone marrow!
sooo world...TAKE THAT!
a little more than useless,eh?

.followers.

this is for those of you who care.
care to hear more.
yes, my heart was physically breaking in september and october and november.
the blood rushed through my veins too fast so that my heart could not hold it all in and it was tearing and causing pain. while this was going on my Savior was breaking my heart spiritually. i think this might hurt just as bad.
he's changing me.
because i am not strong enough to change myself.
this breaking process has caused hurt in so many different ways, but still,i am grateful for it.
i will add more to this sometime soon, right now i don't know how to put my casual feelings into amazing words.
stay tuned.