This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.

It's been quite some time since posting on My heart's Symphony. I've been blog hopping and leaving the heart problems behind as the new diagnosis of Lyme disease has consumed my life. The wondering is over, the scanning WebMD for any answers and being my own doctor..it's all over. Relief? Yes, in ways I guess it's good to know, good to have a treatment plan. In other ways it's hard to face the music. Hard to face this life that I didn't want, but the one that was given to me, appointed to me by a much Higher Power.

At one time I thought that heart problems would be issues forever,that the chest pain would never cease, that cardio would be my biggest problem. So many things change.
And I must say I've learned so much in the few short years since my heart problems began in 2008. To sum up what I have learned is that I have no control over this life that I live. And I always thought that I would. I was always such a planner, and still sometimes I'll look at nursing schools, hoping to be something better than a cripple. But for right now, the Lord has told me that being a nurse is no higher calling than being a cripple, for when I am weak, He is ever so strong.
He doesn't need me to be strong. Although I want to be so badly.

I think this may be my last post for a while. And it is good to say that a change has happened. If you read back in my posts you will find me despairing and broken. Now I am full of hope. Not that I never get sad, but I know what I live for more than ever, I know what I look forward to, and I know that every breath that goes in and out of these lungs is a gift and something that doesn't belong to me.

I pray that whoever is reading this, whether you are full of hope or despairing, going through trials or times of joy...that you will find your hope in Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God. My peace doesn't just come from my surroundings or from doing yoga, my peace comes from a man who has experienced my pain, and although I am a sinner He calls me His own. I couldn't do this without my Lord, He is the song that my heart now sings.

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, Because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness, "The Lord is my portion", says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord". Lamentations 3:21-26

after a while...

could this be happening again?
could my heart really be failing me?
this is not up to me.
maybe I need a new heart.
congestive heart failure is what they will test me for.
they will look at my heart, in a different way than it usually is looked at.
Lord, give me strength for this next step, maybe even a new chapter.
Be the source that makes this heart beat.
Let me live only for You.
You are all I have left, but now I have found I don't need anything else.

Time comes and Time goes.

One year ago I had heart surgery. In that giant picture on this page, that was November 19th 2008. I look the same and sometimes I feel the same, but a long way I have come since then.
I've learned a lot about pain. I've learned how people cannot understand it. It's the hardest thing to deal with, but I'm learning how to deal.
Life goes on and it's most definitely not waiting for me.
So, my years go by and these afflictions never end, but every time my chest hurts again or I have a crazy symptoms I've never had before... the Lord speaks to me and He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I haven't before and I won't this time either." He speaks truth.
How desperately I have wished to not be sick this year. I can't explain to you how I would like to run, pick up my kiddos that I love, be able to do all that being at home requires. Once again the best way to describe how I feel is a failure.
I feel this way to way too many people and it's hard to understand that Jesus doesn't think of me as a failure. He's sees me and loves me although I am able to do nothing.
This is when I learn that nothing else matters. Because I have let the world down. And I don't expect them to ever think anything special of me. Someday Jesus will make me perfect and hopefully you can see me then.
I hate to say this, because I have tried for so long to be everything you've wanted me to be, and time and time again I have failed. Yeah, this is difficult, for me.
You can tell me how difficult this is for you, but you will never understand my side of the story; and this is why I write it.
Please try to see me like Jesus does. Wow- why the heck did I just spill my heart.
Well this is it.There's no taking it back now.

.someday.

i'll make it out okay.
sometimes i like to relate to Job even though my life occurances haven't been half as bad as his, but sometimes when i feel like I have nothing left, like God has taken away that hedge and let Satan have his way with me, I feel like Job.
The thing is...that with humans we are all very fragile people.
When God puts us through trials, He shows us personally how very fagile our existence really is. That we can be here one minute and gone the next.
As we will because all will pass away, this life is a vapor.
The bible doesn't lie. I take it all for realsies.
So, you are weak, whoever you are reading this.
You are young, and fragile and weak, breaking, broken and the only thing that keeps you from the schemes of the devil is Jesus Christ, so my friend, hold tight to what you know...Jesus.
because when everything else falls apart, you WILL have nothing else to cling to.
Better to learn it now. Prepare, my friends, for the battle. If you're not in the midst of it now, it will come. With passion and fury.And He, our Almighty God will let it happen only because His strength is all we need. Dare you walk away from His everlasting arms and you will fall apart as I have many times.
I love you all and know that I am not the only one suffering.
The Lord bless you. He wants to. Let Him.

"There's a raging sea right in front of me,
wants to pull me in,
draw me to my knees,
So let the waters rise if You want them to.
I will follow You...I will follow You."

words of wisdom. wisdom of words.

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT ever say to some one "I know what you are going through" unless you know exactly , to a tee, what that other person is going through and what you have gone through.

October 13th- How things change and some don't.

October 13th 2008 I made the trek upstate back home for heart surgery.
October 13th 2009 I flew across the world back home because of heart problems.

Circles.

I feel like the Israelites after being freed from Egypt, yet taken out into the wilderness where they were forever just going in circles and it took 40 years for them to get to the promised land.

I know my promised land is somewhere- even if it is heaven. I am willing to wait. Dueteronomy 8. The Lord has brought me to this place, this wilderness to test to me, to see what was in my heart, ad to show His love to me in a different way.

The hospitals have been crazy, lots of waiting. Not much fun. I miss Italy.
But in this I find contentment. I asked for joy and He gave it to me, and with this joy He gave me that peace, that peace that passes understanding. The peace that people look at you and wonder if you're really sick.

I don't want to sound brave, because I am not. He is my strength. Without Jesus Christ, I would have given up a while ago, probably years ago.
Praise be to Him who has delivered us, is delivering us and will deliver us from trial and tribulation!

.beauty from ashes.

Yesterday I was in an Italian hospital all day.
I won't go into detail about the very interesting experience, but I was put in a room with a lady from Morocco who didn't speak any Italian either. I actually spoke more than her. Yet we tried to converse all day while in our beds. at one point, I went upstairs to see a cardiologist, and we figured that was goodbye so we said "arrividerchi", but then I came back and was possibly staying the night.
Maria and David came back to translate what the doctors had come to and while we waited for the doctors I looked through everything that my roomies thought I needed in order to stay the night. There was my face-mask of course, some chocolate, some fruit, crackers, letters, pictures and cards and my little beany-dog, that you warm in the microwave.
When this Moroccan lady saw this dog, she was so intrigued. Maria brought it over to her, and she held it like a baby and petted it and stared at it for minutes on end.
I came to the conclusion that she loved this dog way more than I did.
Soon, I was discharged and got to go home although she still lay in her bed in the cold dark, dirty hospital with people who didn't know her language.
As I left the room, I passed her the dog, I put him in her arms and the look on her face was indescribable! I felt like a hero although I had done nothing. She continued to kiss me and hug me repetitively and we got a picture together.
It's amazing how the Lord works these things out, taking a messy situation and making it into a blessing. Only in Christ does something this beautiful happen.
Although I never knew that woman's name, I hope when she held that dog last night that she felt the Lord's arms around her. Maybe someday she'll come to know Him who is greater. He who is her healer.