Time comes and Time goes.

One year ago I had heart surgery. In that giant picture on this page, that was November 19th 2008. I look the same and sometimes I feel the same, but a long way I have come since then.
I've learned a lot about pain. I've learned how people cannot understand it. It's the hardest thing to deal with, but I'm learning how to deal.
Life goes on and it's most definitely not waiting for me.
So, my years go by and these afflictions never end, but every time my chest hurts again or I have a crazy symptoms I've never had before... the Lord speaks to me and He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I haven't before and I won't this time either." He speaks truth.
How desperately I have wished to not be sick this year. I can't explain to you how I would like to run, pick up my kiddos that I love, be able to do all that being at home requires. Once again the best way to describe how I feel is a failure.
I feel this way to way too many people and it's hard to understand that Jesus doesn't think of me as a failure. He's sees me and loves me although I am able to do nothing.
This is when I learn that nothing else matters. Because I have let the world down. And I don't expect them to ever think anything special of me. Someday Jesus will make me perfect and hopefully you can see me then.
I hate to say this, because I have tried for so long to be everything you've wanted me to be, and time and time again I have failed. Yeah, this is difficult, for me.
You can tell me how difficult this is for you, but you will never understand my side of the story; and this is why I write it.
Please try to see me like Jesus does. Wow- why the heck did I just spill my heart.
Well this is it.There's no taking it back now.