I hate it now. i used to babysit this little girl who would ask "Why?" for absolutely everything. "we're gonna go to the park." "why?"..."Because the park is fun." "Why is it fun?".."Because most kids like parks. "Why do most kids like parks?" OMG ARE YOU NOT A KID! so, I'm guessing that was pretty annoying just for you to read. I've been asking Jesus that question for a long time.
No answers. He didn't want me to know.
He told me why 2 days ago.
Through a dream. Call me crazy, I call it amazing.
We all wonder what we will do when someday our Savior comes for us and we get to hear His marvelous voice and see His beautiful face and His hands which we've scarred. How will we react?
This is my reaction, this is how it all went down.
I feel asleep randomly(on my bed).
In this dream I was standing in a dark room. And I asked "Why?"...go figure.
Then this video of sorts starts playing. I see myself in a hospital room, everything is familiar. WOAH this is my real life! Pictures and scenes play on. Blood being drawn, spinal tap, doctor visits, traveling to University Medical centers to visit smart people and see what they think about my case. The video ends. I was crying and asked "Why, why did things have to be that way? Why couldn't I have been normal? Why did I have to suffer for 5 years?"
His voice says "Watch this and then you will understand."
In unbelief I watch this video of myself, perfectly legitimate, with all my friends from high school who I hung out with. Pictures and slides of me drinking, partying, smoking, cursing,sleeping with people promiscuously and being extremely hurt by throwing my life away.
The video ends. He says, "Jordyn, I was chastening you, because I know you more than you know yourself and if a hospital bed was what it took to make you mine then I'd do it and so I did."
With eyes full of tears I watch the video of my life over again,laying in my hospital bed, empty and without friends, back to the time when I was having seizures, being mocked by everyone around me, hearing the doctors telling me I was dying, going through anguished tests that ended in negative answers leaving me hopeless. And then I saw the reasons "Why?" right before my eyes.
" Jordyn, don't you see how I've kept you? I love you!"-He says.
I woke up crying. This experience was incredibly real and after asking for so long, getting an answer was intangible.
I had never thought of my life this way ever before.
People have told me my life isn't fair, and it wasn't.
Everyone around me got to live while I lie in a hospital bed being told I was dying.
Times of health came around for a season and there I would be back again, sick, and looking for an answer.
The Lord has kept me.
He knows me. He knows what I am capable of. He knew how lost I would be without Him.
And so He locked me into a life of difficulty?
No, He was chasing me, waiting for me to turn around; to say, "You've had my back this whole time. You've held me. You've completed me. You've healed me. You've loved me"
How many times do we run from Him? And when He has us where He wants us, we writhe out of His hands? I'm so done running.
Dueteronomy 8:2-3...
" And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."
This was my wilderness. This was my forty years.And This is my story. He's humbled me by breaking me. He's tested me physically. And He knows the desires of my heart.
Don't make the mistakes I've made. Don't run. His timing is perfect and His love is everlasting.
So, for the trials, for the pain, the hurt, the depression, I thank you Lord! I praise You that You make things beautiful in Your time. Thank You for answering my questions. Forever my heart is Yours.
