Time comes and Time goes.

One year ago I had heart surgery. In that giant picture on this page, that was November 19th 2008. I look the same and sometimes I feel the same, but a long way I have come since then.
I've learned a lot about pain. I've learned how people cannot understand it. It's the hardest thing to deal with, but I'm learning how to deal.
Life goes on and it's most definitely not waiting for me.
So, my years go by and these afflictions never end, but every time my chest hurts again or I have a crazy symptoms I've never had before... the Lord speaks to me and He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I haven't before and I won't this time either." He speaks truth.
How desperately I have wished to not be sick this year. I can't explain to you how I would like to run, pick up my kiddos that I love, be able to do all that being at home requires. Once again the best way to describe how I feel is a failure.
I feel this way to way too many people and it's hard to understand that Jesus doesn't think of me as a failure. He's sees me and loves me although I am able to do nothing.
This is when I learn that nothing else matters. Because I have let the world down. And I don't expect them to ever think anything special of me. Someday Jesus will make me perfect and hopefully you can see me then.
I hate to say this, because I have tried for so long to be everything you've wanted me to be, and time and time again I have failed. Yeah, this is difficult, for me.
You can tell me how difficult this is for you, but you will never understand my side of the story; and this is why I write it.
Please try to see me like Jesus does. Wow- why the heck did I just spill my heart.
Well this is it.There's no taking it back now.

.someday.

i'll make it out okay.
sometimes i like to relate to Job even though my life occurances haven't been half as bad as his, but sometimes when i feel like I have nothing left, like God has taken away that hedge and let Satan have his way with me, I feel like Job.
The thing is...that with humans we are all very fragile people.
When God puts us through trials, He shows us personally how very fagile our existence really is. That we can be here one minute and gone the next.
As we will because all will pass away, this life is a vapor.
The bible doesn't lie. I take it all for realsies.
So, you are weak, whoever you are reading this.
You are young, and fragile and weak, breaking, broken and the only thing that keeps you from the schemes of the devil is Jesus Christ, so my friend, hold tight to what you know...Jesus.
because when everything else falls apart, you WILL have nothing else to cling to.
Better to learn it now. Prepare, my friends, for the battle. If you're not in the midst of it now, it will come. With passion and fury.And He, our Almighty God will let it happen only because His strength is all we need. Dare you walk away from His everlasting arms and you will fall apart as I have many times.
I love you all and know that I am not the only one suffering.
The Lord bless you. He wants to. Let Him.

"There's a raging sea right in front of me,
wants to pull me in,
draw me to my knees,
So let the waters rise if You want them to.
I will follow You...I will follow You."

words of wisdom. wisdom of words.

DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT ever say to some one "I know what you are going through" unless you know exactly , to a tee, what that other person is going through and what you have gone through.

October 13th- How things change and some don't.

October 13th 2008 I made the trek upstate back home for heart surgery.
October 13th 2009 I flew across the world back home because of heart problems.

Circles.

I feel like the Israelites after being freed from Egypt, yet taken out into the wilderness where they were forever just going in circles and it took 40 years for them to get to the promised land.

I know my promised land is somewhere- even if it is heaven. I am willing to wait. Dueteronomy 8. The Lord has brought me to this place, this wilderness to test to me, to see what was in my heart, ad to show His love to me in a different way.

The hospitals have been crazy, lots of waiting. Not much fun. I miss Italy.
But in this I find contentment. I asked for joy and He gave it to me, and with this joy He gave me that peace, that peace that passes understanding. The peace that people look at you and wonder if you're really sick.

I don't want to sound brave, because I am not. He is my strength. Without Jesus Christ, I would have given up a while ago, probably years ago.
Praise be to Him who has delivered us, is delivering us and will deliver us from trial and tribulation!

.beauty from ashes.

Yesterday I was in an Italian hospital all day.
I won't go into detail about the very interesting experience, but I was put in a room with a lady from Morocco who didn't speak any Italian either. I actually spoke more than her. Yet we tried to converse all day while in our beds. at one point, I went upstairs to see a cardiologist, and we figured that was goodbye so we said "arrividerchi", but then I came back and was possibly staying the night.
Maria and David came back to translate what the doctors had come to and while we waited for the doctors I looked through everything that my roomies thought I needed in order to stay the night. There was my face-mask of course, some chocolate, some fruit, crackers, letters, pictures and cards and my little beany-dog, that you warm in the microwave.
When this Moroccan lady saw this dog, she was so intrigued. Maria brought it over to her, and she held it like a baby and petted it and stared at it for minutes on end.
I came to the conclusion that she loved this dog way more than I did.
Soon, I was discharged and got to go home although she still lay in her bed in the cold dark, dirty hospital with people who didn't know her language.
As I left the room, I passed her the dog, I put him in her arms and the look on her face was indescribable! I felt like a hero although I had done nothing. She continued to kiss me and hug me repetitively and we got a picture together.
It's amazing how the Lord works these things out, taking a messy situation and making it into a blessing. Only in Christ does something this beautiful happen.
Although I never knew that woman's name, I hope when she held that dog last night that she felt the Lord's arms around her. Maybe someday she'll come to know Him who is greater. He who is her healer.

not so much

Not really looking forward to going to an Italian hospital.
I need wisdom.
I need strength.
I need this heart to beat.
Pray that I can make it through this next week.
Pray that I'll get some sort of revelation from the Lord on whether or not I should stay in this land of dreams or whether I should head back to the states with my bi-polar heart.
A lot is going through my head right now.
In exception to Jesus, I am all alone. No one knows my situation or my problems.
Please pray for understanding and for peace and rest.

.just a small request.

i am in italy.
the heart needs prayer.
so pray for this muscle, that it holds up for a few more months.
much love from Montebelluna.

xoxo,
Jordyn

September 3rd

This is a compare and contrast:

September 3rd 2008
was a sunny day in southern California. I was a newby to calvary chapel bible college and was deep into my IBS studies. September 3rd was the day my heart didn’t want to work anymore. I passed out on my top bunk and then went to the ER for my first time ever. They told me “You have heart problems.” The beginning of a very long process that would eventually end my stay at CCBC and bring me home.
September 3rd 2009
is the day I will be flying from Sacramento, CA to Venice, Italy. The day my dreams will be coming true. This day I will fly across the world to pursue my love for Christ in a different way than I have before. I will leave everything I know and go to a place where I am a stranger and through doing this, I will learn. I will learn what it is to be sent.
What a difference one year from the other. How could I imagine I would be here now when I look back a year. Yet again, His grace is sufficient, His love is everlasting and His plans are always better than I could think. And who would know that September 3rd would be any day of importance? I like how the Lord works. Now my prayer is to be used.
Romans 10:15

Che cosa Vuol fare domani?

What do you desire to do tomorrow?

Thursday I went to go see Dr. Park at UC Davis Medical Center in Pediatric Cardiology.
She didn't want to listen and I wanted her to understand.
Echocardiogram was done. EKG was done. And she said off to Italy I shall go.
What I wanted to hear was in my ear.
I kept from getting excited over these past few weeks and to tell you all the truth, I wanted to blog every day. My heart was screaming and I could never put it into words. What I felt was incompletness. Yeah, that's not a word. I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. I put away my Italian books and my learning CD-roms, I forgot there was ever a country called Italy and I forgot about all my plans and focused on the Lord's plans and wondered so desperately what they were.
I will never know- for right now I know He wants me in Italy. I know He would have closed the door otherwise and an easy way to close would be to say "open-heart surgery". Someday that will come, just not today.
Today I'm sitting wishing waiting and wondering.
I thought if heart surgery was the way this next semester was looking my theme verse would be Psalm 73:25..."my flesh and heart fail me, but you O God, are the strength of my heart and my portion forever".
Heart surgery is not happening this year, but I still find this as my anthem because my heart will always fail me and I see my flesh failing me every day,but He only He is the strength of my heart and He will be all I need forever as much as I doubt it.
He puts a smile on my face when I shouldn't deserve to smile.
He frees me when I deserve imprisonment from my sin.
He loves me when I deserve to be cast down and hated.
He's done it all so that I can live, to live for Him and for nothing else.

So, as a reminder to me and to you, I am not living for Italy, for a change of scenery, for wine tasting and speaking Italiano and finding my relatives, I am telling you all that I will not live for me, because I let myself down.
For Him I am alive. And I'll breathe for Him until He says stop.

To admitting that I am weak and worthless and to admitting that He is strong and worthy. ~The End.

ToFeelTheWindInMyFace.

Is a glorious feeling.
Laziness became a normal thing when all I learned to do was lay in my bed.
Yes, I slowly became a sloth.
Since I've been home I've walked every day.
I do pilates.
I've actually ran once or twice.
My babysitting job required me to chase a 1,4 and 7 year old. This time around I was able to do it.
Yesterday I played baseball for hours with some of my favorite kids.
I've never felt better in my life.
Thank You Lord, for healing my broken heart.
You know that verse where He says He will lift you up on wings like eagles, that we will run and not be weary and walk and not faint.
It's true. His promises are true.
Only He is good.

Just for kicks and giggles...

I went on a walk with a stethoscope held to my chest.
what the retard!
I couldn't hear anything obviously.
why do I have friends?????
You guys are amazing!
well, my next appointment is July 16th, I'll get to see my heart on a screen.
super excited.
Besides this exciting news...nothing.
The heart beats on.

.When "Why?" has been answered.

"Why?" has been my favorite phrase for the past 5 years no doubt.
I hate it now. i used to babysit this little girl who would ask "Why?" for absolutely everything. "we're gonna go to the park." "why?"..."Because the park is fun." "Why is it fun?".."Because most kids like parks. "Why do most kids like parks?" OMG ARE YOU NOT A KID! so, I'm guessing that was pretty annoying just for you to read. I've been asking Jesus that question for a long time.
No answers. He didn't want me to know.
He told me why 2 days ago.
Through a dream. Call me crazy, I call it amazing.
We all wonder what we will do when someday our Savior comes for us and we get to hear His marvelous voice and see His beautiful face and His hands which we've scarred. How will we react?
This is my reaction, this is how it all went down.
I feel asleep randomly(on my bed).
In this dream I was standing in a dark room. And I asked "Why?"...go figure.
Then this video of sorts starts playing. I see myself in a hospital room, everything is familiar. WOAH this is my real life! Pictures and scenes play on. Blood being drawn, spinal tap, doctor visits, traveling to University Medical centers to visit smart people and see what they think about my case. The video ends. I was crying and asked "Why, why did things have to be that way? Why couldn't I have been normal? Why did I have to suffer for 5 years?"
His voice says "Watch this and then you will understand."
In unbelief I watch this video of myself, perfectly legitimate, with all my friends from high school who I hung out with. Pictures and slides of me drinking, partying, smoking, cursing,sleeping with people promiscuously and being extremely hurt by throwing my life away.
The video ends. He says, "Jordyn, I was chastening you, because I know you more than you know yourself and if a hospital bed was what it took to make you mine then I'd do it and so I did."
With eyes full of tears I watch the video of my life over again,laying in my hospital bed, empty and without friends, back to the time when I was having seizures, being mocked by everyone around me, hearing the doctors telling me I was dying, going through anguished tests that ended in negative answers leaving me hopeless. And then I saw the reasons "Why?" right before my eyes.

" Jordyn, don't you see how I've kept you? I love you!"-He says.

I woke up crying. This experience was incredibly real and after asking for so long, getting an answer was intangible.
I had never thought of my life this way ever before.
People have told me my life isn't fair, and it wasn't.
Everyone around me got to live while I lie in a hospital bed being told I was dying.
Times of health came around for a season and there I would be back again, sick, and looking for an answer.
The Lord has kept me.
He knows me. He knows what I am capable of. He knew how lost I would be without Him.
And so He locked me into a life of difficulty?
No, He was chasing me, waiting for me to turn around; to say, "You've had my back this whole time. You've held me. You've completed me. You've healed me. You've loved me"
How many times do we run from Him? And when He has us where He wants us, we writhe out of His hands? I'm so done running.
Dueteronomy 8:2-3...

" And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

This was my wilderness. This was my forty years.And This is my story. He's humbled me by breaking me. He's tested me physically. And He knows the desires of my heart.
Don't make the mistakes I've made. Don't run. His timing is perfect and His love is everlasting.
So, for the trials, for the pain, the hurt, the depression, I thank you Lord! I praise You that You make things beautiful in Your time. Thank You for answering my questions. Forever my heart is Yours.

a LITTLE more than useless

as of today i am a ....bone marrow donor!
we had a blood drive at school, i'm not allowed to give blood because of the random assortment of diseases i have had in the past 5 years but i was able to join the marrow donor registry...and so I did!
so, if this life comes to not saving any people at all( if all else fails and I do not become a nurse) hopefully I can be the one to save someone's life through my marrow.
most people aren't so excited about something like this.
but the cotton swab thing I got to do to test my HLA(whatever that means) got me a little more excited.
so this body may be worthless and 30 years old(says the doctors-internally) but i still have valuable bone marrow!
sooo world...TAKE THAT!
a little more than useless,eh?

.followers.

this is for those of you who care.
care to hear more.
yes, my heart was physically breaking in september and october and november.
the blood rushed through my veins too fast so that my heart could not hold it all in and it was tearing and causing pain. while this was going on my Savior was breaking my heart spiritually. i think this might hurt just as bad.
he's changing me.
because i am not strong enough to change myself.
this breaking process has caused hurt in so many different ways, but still,i am grateful for it.
i will add more to this sometime soon, right now i don't know how to put my casual feelings into amazing words.
stay tuned.

.overwhelmed.

i am overwhelmed with joy.
there may not be exclamation marks or anything but my heart is singing in a way it never has before.
today i drove back from church, turned onto murrieta hot springs road and the song "This is Home" came on. I am where i belong.
I have been forgiven,healed and delivered, i am unworthy yet my Savior still loves me...this is what my heart is singing!
HALLELUJAH JESUS!

The Curls Fell out.

well, the whole reason i created this title was from an unfinished poem i wrote in 2002 i think. when the curls fall out. what does it mean? well, i always had pin straight hair, curled hair was only for special occasions. by the end of the night, after everything was done and said, the curls would fall out. time would fade away, and i would still be standing here.
so, these curls have fallen. a long time ago i guess. i think back to 4 years ago. i was told i was dying. by this time i should be a vegetable lying in bed with no way out. i think back to one year ago, i was going blind, never to see anything i've dreamed of before. as of a few months ago, my heart should have given out.
the plainest way to put this is that i should not be alive today.
Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He will make everything beautiful in its time".
that surely is what He has done for me.
He has turned death into life and sorrow into tears of joy.
He has turned a reason to die into a reason to live.
Because of Him, because of his grace and mercy on this undeserving life I am here.
1 Peter 3:15-R.A.V.E.

holy chest pain!

Once again, I am awake when i shouldn't be. 4 am...always a good time to pray. Chest pain is what brings me to blogger tonight.So, my mind is going everywhere. I've been taking the medication for 2 weeks now but no changes, this weighs heavy on my mind. I know the Lord will make everything perfect in His time though. I would like to be better now, but that may not be His ultimate plan.Giving up has been a hard thing for me to do. I am a planner. Always have been. When I was young I would keep track of the hours I spent with my best friend. The Lord has recently been teaching me not to make plans, but to wait on Him for what He wants for me. I am excited to go back to school this semester and to be back with my friends. As much as I know it's going to be fun, I know I will need to fight for my relationship with Christ once again. The only good thing in being in a place with no friends is that you continually look up to your 'biggest' friend...who to me is Jesus Christ. I do believe I have fallen in love with the One who made me. So many times I will get sidetracked and make God my #2, when He should always be #1.
Anyways, I have no clue what I am getting at here, I guess trying to convince myself that I am still alive. These dreams are getting the best of me and I am definitely in the fight for what's real. I will wake up not knowing what to believe or what not to. If this boggles your mind, it boggles mine more. also, one of my friends is getting married, that's on my mind. Let's just say I'm glad it's not me, not now, not here.

.dreaming with a broken heart.

yes, the dreams are becoming more and more odd every night.
since i got the results of my test, which turned out to be normal I am taking beta-blockers to slow down my heart to help me feel better. a side effect is to have "unusual dreams". for me, side effects always effect me.
Unusual wouldn't even start to explain how odd these dreams have been, more nightmares in the past 3 nights than ever in my life. last time i was taking this medicine before the surgery, every night i would half wake up(sleep-walking i suppose) and would lock my bedroom door. I would wake up every morning to someone banging on my door, while I am mind-boggled on how the door got locked.
I've had dreams of Roscoe.
Dreams of my doctors.
Dreams of almost every person I've ever met.
Dreams of the future...all very odd.
I'll have to see if the dreams slow down, I'm hoping so.
I guess this is what you'd call dreaming with a broken heart. and waking up is definitely the hardest part.