Time comes and Time goes.

One year ago I had heart surgery. In that giant picture on this page, that was November 19th 2008. I look the same and sometimes I feel the same, but a long way I have come since then.
I've learned a lot about pain. I've learned how people cannot understand it. It's the hardest thing to deal with, but I'm learning how to deal.
Life goes on and it's most definitely not waiting for me.
So, my years go by and these afflictions never end, but every time my chest hurts again or I have a crazy symptoms I've never had before... the Lord speaks to me and He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I haven't before and I won't this time either." He speaks truth.
How desperately I have wished to not be sick this year. I can't explain to you how I would like to run, pick up my kiddos that I love, be able to do all that being at home requires. Once again the best way to describe how I feel is a failure.
I feel this way to way too many people and it's hard to understand that Jesus doesn't think of me as a failure. He's sees me and loves me although I am able to do nothing.
This is when I learn that nothing else matters. Because I have let the world down. And I don't expect them to ever think anything special of me. Someday Jesus will make me perfect and hopefully you can see me then.
I hate to say this, because I have tried for so long to be everything you've wanted me to be, and time and time again I have failed. Yeah, this is difficult, for me.
You can tell me how difficult this is for you, but you will never understand my side of the story; and this is why I write it.
Please try to see me like Jesus does. Wow- why the heck did I just spill my heart.
Well this is it.There's no taking it back now.

.someday.

i'll make it out okay.
sometimes i like to relate to Job even though my life occurances haven't been half as bad as his, but sometimes when i feel like I have nothing left, like God has taken away that hedge and let Satan have his way with me, I feel like Job.
The thing is...that with humans we are all very fragile people.
When God puts us through trials, He shows us personally how very fagile our existence really is. That we can be here one minute and gone the next.
As we will because all will pass away, this life is a vapor.
The bible doesn't lie. I take it all for realsies.
So, you are weak, whoever you are reading this.
You are young, and fragile and weak, breaking, broken and the only thing that keeps you from the schemes of the devil is Jesus Christ, so my friend, hold tight to what you know...Jesus.
because when everything else falls apart, you WILL have nothing else to cling to.
Better to learn it now. Prepare, my friends, for the battle. If you're not in the midst of it now, it will come. With passion and fury.And He, our Almighty God will let it happen only because His strength is all we need. Dare you walk away from His everlasting arms and you will fall apart as I have many times.
I love you all and know that I am not the only one suffering.
The Lord bless you. He wants to. Let Him.

"There's a raging sea right in front of me,
wants to pull me in,
draw me to my knees,
So let the waters rise if You want them to.
I will follow You...I will follow You."