Che cosa Vuol fare domani?

What do you desire to do tomorrow?

Thursday I went to go see Dr. Park at UC Davis Medical Center in Pediatric Cardiology.
She didn't want to listen and I wanted her to understand.
Echocardiogram was done. EKG was done. And she said off to Italy I shall go.
What I wanted to hear was in my ear.
I kept from getting excited over these past few weeks and to tell you all the truth, I wanted to blog every day. My heart was screaming and I could never put it into words. What I felt was incompletness. Yeah, that's not a word. I cried myself to sleep for a week straight. I put away my Italian books and my learning CD-roms, I forgot there was ever a country called Italy and I forgot about all my plans and focused on the Lord's plans and wondered so desperately what they were.
I will never know- for right now I know He wants me in Italy. I know He would have closed the door otherwise and an easy way to close would be to say "open-heart surgery". Someday that will come, just not today.
Today I'm sitting wishing waiting and wondering.
I thought if heart surgery was the way this next semester was looking my theme verse would be Psalm 73:25..."my flesh and heart fail me, but you O God, are the strength of my heart and my portion forever".
Heart surgery is not happening this year, but I still find this as my anthem because my heart will always fail me and I see my flesh failing me every day,but He only He is the strength of my heart and He will be all I need forever as much as I doubt it.
He puts a smile on my face when I shouldn't deserve to smile.
He frees me when I deserve imprisonment from my sin.
He loves me when I deserve to be cast down and hated.
He's done it all so that I can live, to live for Him and for nothing else.

So, as a reminder to me and to you, I am not living for Italy, for a change of scenery, for wine tasting and speaking Italiano and finding my relatives, I am telling you all that I will not live for me, because I let myself down.
For Him I am alive. And I'll breathe for Him until He says stop.

To admitting that I am weak and worthless and to admitting that He is strong and worthy. ~The End.