One year ago I had heart surgery. In that giant picture on this page, that was November 19th 2008. I look the same and sometimes I feel the same, but a long way I have come since then.
I've learned a lot about pain. I've learned how people cannot understand it. It's the hardest thing to deal with, but I'm learning how to deal.
Life goes on and it's most definitely not waiting for me.
So, my years go by and these afflictions never end, but every time my chest hurts again or I have a crazy symptoms I've never had before... the Lord speaks to me and He says, "I will never leave you or forsake you. I haven't before and I won't this time either." He speaks truth.
How desperately I have wished to not be sick this year. I can't explain to you how I would like to run, pick up my kiddos that I love, be able to do all that being at home requires. Once again the best way to describe how I feel is a failure.
I feel this way to way too many people and it's hard to understand that Jesus doesn't think of me as a failure. He's sees me and loves me although I am able to do nothing.
This is when I learn that nothing else matters. Because I have let the world down. And I don't expect them to ever think anything special of me. Someday Jesus will make me perfect and hopefully you can see me then.
I hate to say this, because I have tried for so long to be everything you've wanted me to be, and time and time again I have failed. Yeah, this is difficult, for me.
You can tell me how difficult this is for you, but you will never understand my side of the story; and this is why I write it.
Please try to see me like Jesus does. Wow- why the heck did I just spill my heart.
Well this is it.There's no taking it back now.
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I love you.....I love you so much.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know that my only expectations of you are that you love the Lord with all that you have and that you don't give up hope.
Your life is an amazing testimony of His love, His power. There are people who need you, who need your story, your testimony, and the Lord picked you for this task because He knows you are the perfect person for the job. Perfect does not mean to do everything right, it means that you are the one who He has created to accomplish His work in exactly the way He wants you to. A friend once told me that, if the Lord allowed him to be paralyzed from the neck down, he would just minister to paralyzed people...God creates us perfectly for the individual purpose He has for our life. And no, it is never easy. But if He didn't know we cold pull through, He wouldn't give us the task.
He is your strength my sweetheart.
He will always be your strength and will always be faithful to complete the work He has begun in you.
I love you just the way you are, and I know I'm not the only one. You can't ever fail me and you will never fail Him.
He knows it all, understands it all and believe it or not, is always in control of it all.
You mean the world to me sister.
*kiss*
-Mil