last night i had a weird dream.
i've been having weird dreams.
i didn't get test results back yet so,they've been on my mind.
my doctor was in my dream,accompanied by many other random people.
i got my test results in my sleep...no bueno.
the doctor told me i was dying.
as days went by life was getting better...not my life, but the lives of people around me. relationships restored, the sick made well and the captives set free.
i couldn't really understand what was going on.
but i do believe the we dream for a reason...we'll see why i dreamed this one.
.DREAM ON.
12.28.2008
12.22.2008
GEToutOFmyHEAD!
November 12th 2008
Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”(NASB)
So many times I find myself having issues with this verse. Because my thoughts are not honorable or pure and a lot of what the bible tells us to think about. So my prayers recently have been involving these things. I want to think of lovely things. Who doesn’t? I find garbage crowding out my mind all the time and it makes me frustrated and upset and mostly unhappy. Just how I wrote about taking thoughts captive and how Jesus takes us captive, I need to let my mind go. I need to set it free so that I can meditate on this verse more often. Have you noticed that when you are angry or something and someone tells you something that’s good or noble, or just, you just want to shove it away, we want nothing to do with happiness when we dwell on the wrong things.
I’ve been dwelling on things lately that are unreasonable. If I told you, you would agree with “that’s shenanigans!” because it is. These thoughts do not make me happy, sometimes they do temporarily but they just leave me wanting more, not being satisfied with what I have.
If you don’t think on things that are bigger and better, naturally there will be nothing that is bigger or better than what you already have.
I remember when I was a kid, about 7 or 8 years old and how I thought that we lived in the biggest, best house my whole town, there couldn’t have been a better house. In reality, we lived in a very small double wide mobile home that was blue. Prettiest house ever? Not exactly, but in my mind, there was nothing else, because we did not have an alternate house, there was nothing better, we weren’t looking at better houses, the Lord had blessed us with this one and so we were happy with it.
What I am trying to get across is just that if we believe that our lives are the way they are for a purpose, which is so true, if we believe in Christ and His wonderful plans for us. We need nothing else. Our minds don’t need to wander to better things. This better thing is here and now. To take full advantage of what we have because we may not have it later and wish we did.
Still, when I go back to Washington and drive past that house, I sit and look and all I see is beauty. Our lives are like this. I want to look back and see the broken gates and chipping paint in my life and yet say “that’s beautiful” because that’s what the Lord gave me.
Philippians 4:8
“Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.”(NASB)
So many times I find myself having issues with this verse. Because my thoughts are not honorable or pure and a lot of what the bible tells us to think about. So my prayers recently have been involving these things. I want to think of lovely things. Who doesn’t? I find garbage crowding out my mind all the time and it makes me frustrated and upset and mostly unhappy. Just how I wrote about taking thoughts captive and how Jesus takes us captive, I need to let my mind go. I need to set it free so that I can meditate on this verse more often. Have you noticed that when you are angry or something and someone tells you something that’s good or noble, or just, you just want to shove it away, we want nothing to do with happiness when we dwell on the wrong things.
I’ve been dwelling on things lately that are unreasonable. If I told you, you would agree with “that’s shenanigans!” because it is. These thoughts do not make me happy, sometimes they do temporarily but they just leave me wanting more, not being satisfied with what I have.
If you don’t think on things that are bigger and better, naturally there will be nothing that is bigger or better than what you already have.
I remember when I was a kid, about 7 or 8 years old and how I thought that we lived in the biggest, best house my whole town, there couldn’t have been a better house. In reality, we lived in a very small double wide mobile home that was blue. Prettiest house ever? Not exactly, but in my mind, there was nothing else, because we did not have an alternate house, there was nothing better, we weren’t looking at better houses, the Lord had blessed us with this one and so we were happy with it.
What I am trying to get across is just that if we believe that our lives are the way they are for a purpose, which is so true, if we believe in Christ and His wonderful plans for us. We need nothing else. Our minds don’t need to wander to better things. This better thing is here and now. To take full advantage of what we have because we may not have it later and wish we did.
Still, when I go back to Washington and drive past that house, I sit and look and all I see is beauty. Our lives are like this. I want to look back and see the broken gates and chipping paint in my life and yet say “that’s beautiful” because that’s what the Lord gave me.
(understanding)without(words)
Thank you Jesus for Susie Ortiz!
For so long now I have felt so misunderstood. If you read through these past things I have written.it could be understood. Tonight at church I saw Susie. She saw me. She understood. And for once since I have been home I have felt understood. without saying anything, she knew everything I was feeling. She told me not to be afraid of anything, she told me that they would be praying for me no matter what and that they wouldn’t stop, and that I was an example to even her. I guess some things I just needed to hear. But most of all what I saw in Susie tonight was sincerity. I’ve been looking for it for so long. I saw it in her eyes when she got tears and couldn’t talk. I felt it in the way she hugged me. This wasn’t fake. I can’t tell you how many hugs I have gotten since coming home in the middle of October. This is the first one that has been real. I couldn’t help but cry myself. Happy tears.a burden had been lifted. I haven’t cared to explain to anyone what I have felt because no one was sincere. I learned tonight that you can’t always see a sincere person but you can feel it. I’ve wanted love, but that’s not what I’ve needed. I’ve been looking for it so desperately when all I needed was for someone to look me in the eyes and say “I know you’re not ok”.
I think I’ll remember this forever.
PROVERBS 25:20
For so long now I have felt so misunderstood. If you read through these past things I have written.it could be understood. Tonight at church I saw Susie. She saw me. She understood. And for once since I have been home I have felt understood. without saying anything, she knew everything I was feeling. She told me not to be afraid of anything, she told me that they would be praying for me no matter what and that they wouldn’t stop, and that I was an example to even her. I guess some things I just needed to hear. But most of all what I saw in Susie tonight was sincerity. I’ve been looking for it for so long. I saw it in her eyes when she got tears and couldn’t talk. I felt it in the way she hugged me. This wasn’t fake. I can’t tell you how many hugs I have gotten since coming home in the middle of October. This is the first one that has been real. I couldn’t help but cry myself. Happy tears.a burden had been lifted. I haven’t cared to explain to anyone what I have felt because no one was sincere. I learned tonight that you can’t always see a sincere person but you can feel it. I’ve wanted love, but that’s not what I’ve needed. I’ve been looking for it so desperately when all I needed was for someone to look me in the eyes and say “I know you’re not ok”.
I think I’ll remember this forever.
PROVERBS 25:20
.frustration.
It’s so frustrating to always have someone tearing you down. Even when you know that the particular person has no clue they’re doing it, it’s so incredibly angrifying!!! Right now the last thing I need to hear is that I’m not going to get better and that I’m not going to be going back to college in the spring. Right now my mind will not let me tolerate hearing shenanigans like this. It stumbles me in way that just makes me almost hate people who say things like this. I do know that it is a possibility, but not one that I need to face, not today. Because that is not today’s problem. And people who try to navigate my life for me. So many people just want to steer my life. They think I will never make the right decisions and want to do everything for me, when it’s time for me to be a woman instead of little girl. I KNOW WHAT I AM FACING! I know that this is my problem. I know that I am having surgery in 2 weeks. I know everything could go wrong and I could still be sick for months. I know I may have to cancel my flight. I know who I am. I know that I am 18. I know that I am Jordan Ellyse Wagner and whether life is good or bad, I am stuck here and I want this life!!!! And I don’t want anyone else telling me what to do with it. Frustration is today’s problem.
Lord, give me peace.
Lord, give me peace.
Miss Creasy
Today I thanked God for good friends, honest friends, the ones that will correct you without making you upset. Right now there is only one that I can think of, and I thanked the lord for her. Everyone knows that Christian means “little Christ”, you know, like we are to imitate Christ and what he would do. She really is a Christian, she doesn’t fake it. If I could see Christ in someone, it would be her. She points things out to me that the lord maybe doing in my life, that I could never see myself because of anger, frustration, etc. I love how the lord chooses to put different people in my life. But this one, if God has her here on earth to do only one thing, and that was to comfort me in my time of need and know that God’s plans are always bigger than mine…that her job would be done. She has accomplished it. But I know that the lord has a lot more planned for this person.
Anyways, I pray that I can be like this. That when people see me, they would see a little Christ, that there would be nothing to hinder me from being all that the lord wants me to be. Make me an honest, good friend, lord, and show me how to see all that you’re doing in my life and in the lives around me. Amen.
Anyways, I pray that I can be like this. That when people see me, they would see a little Christ, that there would be nothing to hinder me from being all that the lord wants me to be. Make me an honest, good friend, lord, and show me how to see all that you’re doing in my life and in the lives around me. Amen.
October 17th
We talked about death and dying today. Why the lord hasn’t already taken me and how I sort of wish he had. Will he this time? He’s had his chances so many times. Why am I here? What’s his plan for me? Or is this the end of me? It’s such a possibility that my heart could give out and I would be home with the lord today. His plans, I do not know and I will never understand. But I am open to his plans although it makes my heart skip some beats…more than it already does on its own. I want to be with my savior. I want to put my hands in his sides and feel the holes in his hands, I can feel him with me, I want to feel him physically. Or is there so much more that I need to experience before I go? This is what I think. I have to take a train from Seattle to Boston before I die and I have to go to the top of the world to see the aurora borealis before it’s too late. I know all these things and better will probably be in heaven, but there’s nothing like seeing it while still on earth. So many questions, so little time.
Lord, give me wisdom.
Lord, give me wisdom.
Unfortunately but Fortunately
I stare at this chain…will it ever get any shorter? These days are passing by so slowly. I wish things could go my way. Unfortunately but fortunately someone bigger has my life planned out to a tee. I will never be able to understand. Everything he has for me, everything he has already given to me. His depth is infinite. His love is everlasting. I don’t deal well with change. The Lord tries to show me often that I am only a pilgrim here on the earth. He moves me, literally, a lot. It’s sort of frustrating, right when I feel at home; He assures me that I am not. For these reasons I praise the Lord that he is not apparent to see or touch or someone might get hurt. Controlling myself drives me crazy. I want to unleash and let everyone know how I feel. This is how I learn to praise the Lord for self-control. Knowing that God always provides is a wonderful thing to take captive. I might not feel like he is providing for me at the time, but through me, he is providing for someone in my life.
This, I think should be every Christian’s anthem:
ROMANS 14:8
For if we live, we live to the lord, and if we die, we die to the lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the lord’s.
Simply put, we always belong to him, He always calls us by name, and he calls us his own.
JOB 1:21 says:
Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will return there. The Lord gave and the lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Praising God under all circumstances. Job said this after everything he possessed, had been taken away from, his inheritance, his children, all of his possessions but through his trial he realizes what the Lord has given to him and then that He has also taken away, because God has every right to our lives and yet still he praises His name! I wish that I could see all the good the Lord has done in my life when I am going through the rough trials. John 16:33 says to “be of good cheer” when we go through this tough thing and James 1:2-3 says to “count it all joy”.
Lord, let me be a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to you. Let everything I do bring glory and honor to your name lord. Let everything I do, to be only for you. Take my life and make it yours, I want to be like you, Jesus. I want people to see you in me. Lord, let me praise you under all circumstances, help me to remember you when you bless my life, lord and don’t let me forget you when you put trials in my way. Let me only see you working in my life. Thank you for all you are doing and all you will do. In your name, Jesus. Amen.
This, I think should be every Christian’s anthem:
ROMANS 14:8
For if we live, we live to the lord, and if we die, we die to the lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the lord’s.
Simply put, we always belong to him, He always calls us by name, and he calls us his own.
JOB 1:21 says:
Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will return there. The Lord gave and the lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Praising God under all circumstances. Job said this after everything he possessed, had been taken away from, his inheritance, his children, all of his possessions but through his trial he realizes what the Lord has given to him and then that He has also taken away, because God has every right to our lives and yet still he praises His name! I wish that I could see all the good the Lord has done in my life when I am going through the rough trials. John 16:33 says to “be of good cheer” when we go through this tough thing and James 1:2-3 says to “count it all joy”.
Lord, let me be a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to you. Let everything I do bring glory and honor to your name lord. Let everything I do, to be only for you. Take my life and make it yours, I want to be like you, Jesus. I want people to see you in me. Lord, let me praise you under all circumstances, help me to remember you when you bless my life, lord and don’t let me forget you when you put trials in my way. Let me only see you working in my life. Thank you for all you are doing and all you will do. In your name, Jesus. Amen.
October 15th 2008
So, we go through mountains and valleys with our faith our trust and our hope, I am officially in a valley. I feel lost although I know that the Lord is with me every step I take. I know he feels my pain and that he cares for me more than anyone could, which gives me so much comfort right now because I feel like no one really cares. I don’t want to be here. Why? Seems like a good question to ask for all of this chaos going on. I can’t deal with people screaming or raising their voices to me. I can’t tolerate it right now. I am so on edge. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster and I feel like I just went down one of those super steep hills and I threw up my stomach and I feel empty and sick inside. I want to get off the roller coaster but it keeps going and it’s going faster every time we go around. There are other people on this roller coaster, but they are enjoying it, the up’s and downs of life but I don’t want to be here it seems like I am down too often and when I am up, it doesn’t last long enough before I feel empty again.
Lord, fill me up with you. I need your spirit to fill me, make me an empty vessel so that I can be filled with everything of you. Erase my mind of things I don’t need to think about, let me cast my cares on you because I know lord that you care for me. Thank you for your love, Lord Jesus, thank you that I can feel it as I am writing this. Lord, take my tears and turn them to smiles, to joy, to praise for your name. Make me more like you, I need you Jesus. Amen.
Lord, fill me up with you. I need your spirit to fill me, make me an empty vessel so that I can be filled with everything of you. Erase my mind of things I don’t need to think about, let me cast my cares on you because I know lord that you care for me. Thank you for your love, Lord Jesus, thank you that I can feel it as I am writing this. Lord, take my tears and turn them to smiles, to joy, to praise for your name. Make me more like you, I need you Jesus. Amen.
October 13th 2008 (day of the move)
How is it possible for your heart to be broken in so many places? Emotionally, spiritually, physically? I feel almost numb. My heart is breaking for those certain people who just cannot learn from their mistakes, I being one of them. We all struggle with different things and it just kills me. Mentally, I feel like a basket case right now, just overwhelmed, I just got home tonight and already I feel like I can’t take anymore. I don’t want to be here. The lord wants me here for some reason. I just wonder way too often. I feel so incredibly broken inside, I want to scream, I want them to understand that this life is more than who we are, it’s what we do, what we say, how we conduct ourselves.
Give me strength Jesus, I need you so badly. Be all that I need. Be my one and only because you are the one and only. Lord, give me peace that I might sleep and give me understanding for the ones that I love.
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